THE WEDDING TRIP
by Corellian Maid
Summary: Han and Leia are finally married and take C3PO on their honeymoon. Oh what tales the droid returns to tell.


THE WEDDING TRIP

"Oh, Artoo, it's so good to be back," Threepio sighed to his counterpart as he entered the droid room.

"I feel as though I could shut down my circuits for a week."

"Weeble oomph pzhew."

"Yes, I missed you, too. There has been so much excitement lately, what with the victory of the rebellion,

The wedding….

"Zoot bip bip, nimn?"

"Did I ENJOY the trip? Really, Artoo, that word has positively no relationship to the journey. I hope I

NEVER again accompany Mistress Leia and Genera, uh, Captain Solo on that thing called a 'honeymoon.'"

"Meep lop ep uha noy?"

"Of COURSE I'm confused. You'd be too, if you had been the one required to go with them. Oh, everything

went so well…the wedding..the reception, the preparations for departure - until we were gone."

"Veema squitch pmig?"

"What was the problem!? Artoo, you are ignorant of what you ask. The first problem as how her Highness

explained to the Captain the reason I was going with them. She had the nerve to tell him I was needed to carry

their luggage. Can you comprehend that Artoo? A droid of my station, reduced to performing lowly tasks that any unprogrammed and uncertified collection of metal could do. Did she once take into consideration all the time spent in programming me for diplomatic and protocol duties? Why I should be in the service of high-ranking members of the Universal Parliament…."

"Ping nimo diple!"

"Oh…yes…well, getting back to the story; that didn't sit too well with the General. He threatened to space me if I interfered just once…though I've NO idea what I was supposed to interfere IN. Really, they expect me to read their minds! I'm only a droid, after all. He relented, but only after I heard her whisper that they could always shut me down. I have NEVER been so insulted! How am I supposed to perform my duties if I'm shut down? I'm programmed as a translator and instructor, and the planet we were headed was…"

'WEBDLE! Omhph Beepow?"

"I don't KNOW what happened on the trip. They shut me down."

'BlZZZZZzzzzzz."

"Artoo! You had best learn to watch your language!"

"Peep, zoot dit?"

"Once we got to Eden Pyxis, the accommodations were superb. Oh, such magnificence! The architecture of the Bysanth Era was absolutely breathtaking. Did you know everything the Bysanthines built was never secured by braces, mortar or adhesive? It was all held together by the gravitational pull and air pressure of the planet. Those eternal buildings have stood for ages….."

"Nip wha lat umphy?"

"Stop interrupting me, Artoo."

"Wee, diple zimpa plooosh!"

"Well, you SHOULD be interested. How are you ever going to expand your technical tapes if all you concern yourself with is the life beings adventures?"

"Pshez wheaaz."

"I was just trying to spice up an otherwise unexciting trip with a few facts. Even the Captain…uh…General..oh,

It's so difficult to know what to call him, these days! I'm used to 'Captain' and he still IS the Captain of the MILLENNIUM FALCON, but the Alliance made him a General, and since he married the Princess, even 'Prince'

would be an applicable title, but when I called him that, he gave me a terrible look and said it made him feel like a member of the Kesnine species, and that if I ever called him 'Prince' again, he would change the position of my feet and head, because the only thing my head was good for was standing on…"

"YYYiiiWWW."

"I didn't find it funny!"

"Lema mep so quem?"

"Oh my goodness, NO Artoo, I certain could NOT just call him 'Han'. How improper. Why, her Highness would have me melted down for being so disrespectful."

"Olm wip loo pip."

"You are certainly being nosy about this trip, Artoo, it's not polite to pry."

"Lema meep?"

"Why, yes, as a matter of fact, Captain Solo did get rather angry about the dinner. He was furious that she dared to trick him into diplomatic business on their honeymoon. I can't see his reason for such hostility. Diplomatic affairs are always high ranking priorities in the lives of…"

"Whm zep blip oop?"

"Do you always have to ask such irrelevant questions?"

"TTT eee."

"They served odacca, a highly spiced framp, beverages of all kinds, trays and trays of kobishes, and, for dessert, the most magnificent three tiered spiral sposh. Oh, Artoo, to have tasted buds! Life beings do have quite a few advantages over us you know. But, I'm proud to say that, aside from a few quadra-linguals, I was able to understand every smattering of conversation that was uttered at our table."

"Whiz bee oomph whel."

"Yes, in my most formal and diplomatic tones, I translated quite a bit of information for Her Highness and the General. Well….there WAS one incident I didn't translate."

"Blee hop ne a Kie?"

"Oh, Artoo, if I tell you, you must promise NEVER to repeat it."

"Zee bomp."

"There was this one…very..ah..inquisitive diplomat's wife. She apparently loved every edible at the fest, but she insisted on trying other foods that were prepared especially for the off-world guests. She snitched a morsel from the Captain's plate and gave him a smile. He instructed me to tell her some of the most insulting and embarrassing remarks he could think of. Why, it would have started an intergalactic incident!"

"Hiz lop pingwa?!"

"No I'm NOT going to repeat them to you. Just listening to them nearly shorted my circuits."

"Weeble bee pow?"

"I told her the Captain said he felt most graciously honored that such a beautiful lady as herself would choose something from his plate."

"Diple, squitch ploosh."

"There's no way he could have known what I was saying, I spoke in Napeese. Though, he DID give me a curious look when the lady didn't get upset."

"The dinner guests lingered over their drinks and discussed important galactic matters for quite some time. It was

a truly enlightening evening…"

"Dit, wilp."

"Well, the Prin…uh Captain, became quite restless, listening to all the different diplomatic ploys. Actually, I think it was beyond his capacity."

"Pwinga?"

"He became so bored, he finally just got up, grabbed Mistress Leia and me by our arms…and ushered us..not too

gently, mind you…from the hall. Oh, Artoo, many of the politicians were insulted by such abrupt behavior! I

apologized in every conceivable language until I was jerked from the room ."

"The Princess showed admirable restraint; she only fumed at his appalling behavior."

"Zoo bip bip?"

"The General said he did it because they had better things to do than sit and listen to stuffy diplomats that HE hadn't come to see in the first place. I can't imagine what 'better things' he had in mind. They only went back to their rooms…. They had a big argument and the Princess threw him out of the suites."

"Weema zwhyz mmio?"

Don't anticipate me, Artoo; I'll tell you the rest. The Captain refused to take a room elsewhere, and chose to sleep in the hall by their door. He said he was attempting to embarrass her Highness to the passersby. He certainly embarrassed me with all the yelling and pounding on the door. He said that sleeping in the hallway with a talkative, irritating collection of metal wasn't his idea of a very exciting honeymoon. Honestly,

Artoo, sleep is sleep, whether it's with me or with Mistress Leia."

"Loza new hik bin."

"What do you mean, 'it depends on one's preference'?"

"Nit dit zree lomp."

"I am NOT naïve! In any case, the next morning, he brought her an apology gift; an Eden Pyxis mating plant."

"Pagiwm wee!"

"'Right move'". What are you talking about? Have you ever seen an Eden Pyxis mating plant? Well, I hadn't but I certainly learned about them. They're vine-like and grow very rapidly. The legend on the pot stated it would multiply the love of the one who received it - so much for legends! The Princess was appeased for a while, but I personally don't think their fighting will ever end! She gave me care of the plant - can you imagine? Me? I'm not a botanical droid. I may be versed in six million forms of communication, but the care of plant forms is another matter….They have to be tended with water and nutrients in exact amounts so that…"

"Plaatpt."

"Artoo, where are you going? Don't you know its rude to walk away when someone is talking to you?

"Zit Zit."

"No, Artoo, there's more…"

"Blamph."

"It's all TRUE…I am NOT fabricating any of this, Artoo…..ARTOOOoooooo…."


End file.
